im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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