You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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