Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
