Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
