Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
