thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
