Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
