i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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