does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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