This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
