$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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