I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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