My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
