the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
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I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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