as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
we should paint friendship bongs
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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