At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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