Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
