Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
