Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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