Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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