Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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