Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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