Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
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do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize