I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
