Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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