...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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