So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
