I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
