You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
