I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
