I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
