i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
