I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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