the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
this will be a night to untag.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
