I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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