So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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