he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
