tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
