dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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