don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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