mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
