Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
