How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
