Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
