it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
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THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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