If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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