: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
