Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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