a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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