There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
