I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
