you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
